Here I am, sitting in the basement of Cavanaugh Hall. I'm in pajamas, sitting cross-legged on one of the plushiest couches on this whole campus-- none of that college cardboard that they tell you is a seat. I have blankets and books piled around me, a laptop balancing atop the rounds of my knees, and Cavanaugh's big screen TV flashing in front of me. The basement is a surprisingly pleasant place to be mid-afternoon, for there are large windows near the ceiling and homey upolstery colors stretched across the furniture. It's not claustrophobic at all. It's especially not claustrophobic right now, because the nearest person is at least fifty yards away and no one is in the building.
It's game day. I can hear our school cheers and the brass section of our band as clear as day through these concrete walls. On the big screen TV, I'm watching the Notre Dame vs. Michigan State game while it plays out in real life not 100 yards away from my dorm. I purchased season tickets last spring but I never went to pick them up. The last two home football games I have spent here, a two-minute walk from the stadium, burrowed underground beneath books and beneath blankets.
Sophomore year, I made a list of things I wanted to change about myself and I practiced them religiously until they became a second nature for me. Thanks to these gradual changes, junior year was the year of my life when I liked myself more than I ever had. Senior year was great. As a college freshman, I was who I wanted to be. Then this summer, I made a list of things I wanted to change again-- many of them qualities that I used to have but which slipped from me in the last year.
Things didn't work like they did sophomore year. This summer, I failed a lot of the resolutions that I set for myself. I'm still failing them! One of the bullet points was this:
3) Nothing's more important than being there. Go to every social event that you're asked to attend or that you've committed yourself to attend.
And yet here I am, sitting in the basement of Cavanaugh Hall, not participating in this extraordinary opportunity for ND camaraderie. I've received texts from no less than five people saying, "Hey-- where are you? Are you feeling alright?" I continue to be here. And the worst part? I like it here.
I like the solitude. I like getting work done. I like yelling at the television when Clausen's passes go awry or when Floyd makes his touchdowns. I like that the building is empty. I like that I am comfortable. I like that I can watch the instant replays. I like that I'm so close to the action and yet alone. I like that I can ice cream. I like that I have time to write a letter to Brian and post on the Girls' Tent Blog. I like that I am separate.
And here's the meat of the inner conflict: this is not even close to being the change I want to see in the world. But it makes me happy. Man... what of that?
I need better will power. "Be the change" is so much more important than "Be comfortable."
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Guys, I've been having weird dreams. They all have the same theme, but they're enacted differently each time. They're worrying me a lot. I wish I were a more candid person, and I would tell you all everything right here.
Oh, hey-- I also saw U2 last weekend. I'll tell you about it soon.
Any chance that any of you could find a way to Chicago this year? Any time at all? Please?
And finally: Rose, your posts are something I always look forward to. I read them with great attention. But I'd like to pull everyone back on here! Tell me things that are happening in your lives. It doesn't have to be long. I miss y'all.
Love, Mary
Posts
Mary, Mary, Mary
ReplyDeleteYou’re allowed to have down time. If you didn’t, your brain would explode and then everyone around you would be unhappy because it would probably stain their clothes. Although, that might make the dry cleaner happy. Hmmm conundrum.......
Hahahah. Rose gives the best advice.
ReplyDeleteI think it's perfectly okay to break resolutions, especially if it's to do something to make you happy. It's good to spend some time away from all the craziness of college life and you probably have a few more chances to go to games this year and the next 2, right?
Tell me about U2. My sister and I saw them in concert once. Sort of. We went to see No Doubt open for them and left after like 2 songs b/c we didn't really listen to them yet/ didn't realize they were a big deal.
I want to go to Chicago! Spring break perhaps?
<3 <3
In twenty minutes, I am about to leave my dorm and walk to the front of Sbisa to meet Caleb, Andrew, Tim, Monica, and some other Aggie friends. It's game day, and you can smell the barbecue and see the crowd (all dressed in maroon) gathering at the south end of campus for the big game. Campus quiets down, but it still is abuzz with students who for reasons of their own did not attend the game. Many are such that they just don't like football, the passes are too expensive, or they just have too much work to do and can't go. And Mary, it is perfectly fine for you to chill and have some alone time; like the aforementioned comments, you need some time to gain your sanity back. I should be studying right now for my ochem test which is on wednesday (prayers please!!!), but am instead going to stand out on third deck in the heat for three plus hours (and standing the entire time, mind you), yelling my lungs out, making Andrew push when he does our sophomore wildcat =), and slowing feeling all the energy seep out of me through the excitement of the game and physical endurance for the fans. But I wouldn't have it any other way. As Andrew and I always tell each other: "Do what you need to do." Mary, don't worry yourself so much. Things will all work out in the end. Just do what you need to do.
ReplyDeleteAnd I would LOVE to hear about your concert with U2!! :) And if I could come up to Chicago, you know I would be there in a heartbeat.
Kaz, that scene sounds perfect. Oh man, I'm not missing the next game. I'm NOT.
ReplyDeletePrayers coming your way for Ochem!